Sapphire Eyes
by BabyJane14
Summary: Nate and Blair had been married at twenty five, Blair had always sworn that Tipp had been the reason for it. He’d persuaded Nate that money married bigger money.
1. Denial

Author's note: This is a very random piece that came to me all of a sudden. thank you Katie as always for reading it and telling me what you thought. First off before you make a judgement regarding a person, there are going to be either two or three more parts to this. it'll all be explained... well, as long as you all want it to be. which in other words means leave me your reviews, so I know where exactly you'd like to see this go.

enjoy!

3

Manda

* * *

Vanessa Abrams's daughter was beautiful, so what, Blair got the picture. Sitting at lunch with Serena the blonde in front of her couldn't stop gushing over the month old baby girl the low class Brooklyn whore had brought over for a visit the day before. They were thirty-five years old now, what was the use in gushing over a child that would never be anything more than a public school dropout. Maybe Blair was bitter that she didn't have any of her own, not for lack of trying. It was her husband who always said it wasn't the time. At least 'wasn't the time' was what she told herself.

"She's beautiful! She has these big blue sapphire eyes"

Serena continued to muse much to her best friend's dismay. She was tired of watching everyone around her with children, Dan and Serena's two year old son, even Penny and crew had children. Blair just wanted to be included in mommy and me classes, she could care less about the actual child part. Blair just didn't like to be not included in things. It was the husband, the husband that didn't want any part in having a child. at least any part in having a child with his wife.

Nate and Blair had been married at twenty five, Blair had always sworn that Tipp had been the reason for it. He'd persuaded Nate that money married bigger money. Grandfather Van der Built wouldn't be happy unless Nate went up rather than down. Blair had always known that he'd only settled for her. There wasn't anything Nate had ever wanted more than Vanessa, Blair had known that one from the beginning of it all. She'd just figured that maybe with time Nate would learn to put his feelings for Vanessa in the past and he'd learn to once again love Blair for who she was.

As she twists her fingers around in her perfect chestnut hair she yawns absently as she continues to listen to Serena go on about how the baby was well mannered and tempered. How she was a silent child that was completely content just looking up at whoever was holding her. Angelic and sweet, it was all making Blair nauseous.

Blair tried to wave her off, but, when she wouldn't stop talking. Blair pushed her own seat back and made an excuse, looking down at the time on her cell phone she just wanted to get out of there.

"I gotta get out of here, Nate and I… I think we're going out tonight."

Seeing the pained look on her friends face made Blair roll her eyes. It was obvious to everyone in the outside world, Nate and Blair weren't happy together nor had they ever been happy together. She was sick and tired of everyone's pitty and sympathies. She'd much rather just play it off as though she and Nate both had too much work to deal with one another or even think about starting their own family. Denial was becoming very close to her in that way, part of her was starting to believe it all herself.

"B… ok, well, I guess I'll talk to you later."

Nodding her head Blair gave Serena a chastened hug before her always stiff figure gathered up her things and left the restaurant feeling more inadequate then she'd felt when she'd walked out of her bedroom in the morning. Her bedroom, the bedroom she slept in alone. It had been over four years since she'd shared a bed with her husband, a bed that had stood solely for sleeping for four years prior to that. Nate either slept on the couch or spent nights in the office, anything not to be near her. He didn't love her, it was clear as crystal.

The drive home to the home she shared more with her own self then Nate was boring and left her completely in her own thoughts. An annoying place that reminded her that she'd picked the wrong guy way back when. Maybe if she'd chosen the one she'd really wanted her life wouldn't have ended up as meaningless as it was now. Maybe she and Nate both would have been better off.

Pulling up to her driveway there was an unknown car, the first thing she'd spotted. She scrunched her nose in distaste, must have been work buddies she'd have to pretend to be the perfect wife for. Just to add to the façade that she was in the perfect marriage. So that no one of importance would believe that there was anything wrong with their lives, god forbid they admitted the truth for once, god forbid she admitted the truth.

Putting on her best fake smile she got out of the car, shoulders back, chin up and strode straight to the door like the high class wife she pretended to be. She shut the door behind her and hung her keys up where the rest were. The house was silent she noticed then, no loud men making a ruckus. The silence baffled her. She continued to walk further into the house till the gentle quiet humming threw her for even more of a loop.

Finally reaching the doorway of the living room she'd made sure to have lavishly decorated, she couldn't say she hadn't been partly expecting it. Even if she was a little pissed off, Nate hanging around with ex girl friends, Nate with the tiny newborn nestled so securely in his protective arms. Every single second of it looked so natural and so right for Nate. Her suspicions were escalating as she stood too shocked to move or say anything. Blair's brown eyes feel upon the next part of the 'hallmark' photo made her blood boil. Vanessa's sleeping form was right beside her husband. Vanessa's head right in Nate's lap, Vanessa's baby contently in her husband's arms. Wasn't it supposed to be Blair's baby in Nate's arms, wasn't it supposed to be a sleep deprived Blair in Nate's lap? But that wasn't the way it was nor was it the way it would ever be.

Breaking from her sudden daze Blair cleared her throat and Nate's concentration from the baby broke right away. Nate's moves were more than gentle as he held the baby in one protective arm and slipped a pillow where his lap had been under Vanessa's head. As he walked toured Blair he made sure the baby in his arms was swaddled comfortably in the pink blanket.

"Wasn't expecting you home"

His statement was blunt, not that she hadn't been expecting it like that. They'd fought just the night before viciously causing him to storm out as always. He'd begged for a divorce again, a divorce was one thing Blair refused to grant him. Why should she let him have what he wanted when he wouldn't give her what she wanted the most. Getting a divorce would only provide more of a scandal, Blair urged scandals along, she wasn't the center of them anymore. She'd rather just watch others lives blow up around them, her own was private, she'd choose to keep her own together.

"Didn't feel like being with Serena any longer"

Blair looked up to see if she could meet his eyes but he wasn't having it. His thoughts and emotions were too far gone on the innocent little child nestled so close to himself. He was far to enamored in the life of the child in his arms. The way he pulled the blanket back just enough for him to look at her little face, a face that Blair to caught. Innocence glimmered off of the tiny child, little curls were already giving the four week old a head of hair, and then there they were. The bright sapphire eyes, Blair would have known them from miles away. They were the eyes that looked at her with dread and regret day after day.

"There's quite a resemblance"

With her uppity tone she knew he'd catch the underlying meaning. Then the ball would be in his court to either confirm or deny her accusations. He didn't bother to do either, he almost didn't even respond to her question. But then he nodded his head as the little girl in his arms started to stir. She watched on as he put the little girl to his shoulder and rubbed her back kissing the side of her tiny head.

" Shh it's ok pretty girl, keep fussing you're going to wake up your mommy. Daddy thinks we should let mommy sleep for a while, you kept her up all last night. You missed daddy didn't you?"

Her eyes were wide, of course she'd known it was coming but she hadn't expected it that openly without any such hesitation. It was plain obvious that Nate was proud of his daughter, regardless if she didn't belong to the woman he was married to. it was then in that moment that she knew she couldn't hold Nate to her any longer, no matter how hard she tried to hold onto him, she was making him break more and more, and in turn her own life was falling down around her.

"I'm um… I'm going to go pack my bags"

There it was, those were the first words to the first steps of setting them both free. It was the first time in years she saw the light in Nate's blue eyes light his face. She hurt, part of her hurt badly. Then there was part of her, the selfless part that didn't show its self all too often that knew this was what Nate had wanted all alone.

"Blair, you don't have to do that. I don't want the house. I just want you to sign the papers. Please Blair, that's all I'm asking for. You can take whatever you want."

His voice was a whisper, a whisper so that he wouldn't frighten his daughter, she knew it. She nodded her head as she walked to the other side of their dining room and opened up the paper cabinet where she'd hidden the papers four years ago, inside were the divorce papers she'd told him she'd burned. This would not only let Nate free but Anne also. She'd noticed and complained to Blair about how unhappy her son looked lately.

"I'm going to go wake V up, take her and the baby home."

Blair nodded her head as she put her head up and looked at him, he'd gotten his daughter to sleep, Nate with his magic touch. If she looked really hard she could see the sixteen year old boy she'd been in love with. But that was a life time ago, and they weren't the same people from back then. They hadn't been the people from back then in a very long time. In the very beginning their marriage had been worth something, but, it had been many years since that something had been meant.

Snapping back out of her daze she noticed him struggling to place the baby in the carrier. He finally stood back up when she was safely fastened inside. He stood up, glanced an admiring look at his daughter then headed to the couch to wake up Vanessa.

"I really don't care to see her awake, why don't you just carry her out to the car and not wake her. I'll bring the baby to the door."

Nate looked up at her with innocent eyes full of remorse, it was the look of the Nate that had once upon a time been her best friend. It wasn't the part of her that she'd ever admit to but the part of her that told Nate to carry Vanessa outside was the part of her that cared to see her friend happy, her friend Nate. The part of her that knew he'd be happy, that knew Vanessa wouldn't ever cheat on him like herself had done to him many a time. She watched him pick up Vanessa and kiss the top of her head before carrying her out to the door and she looked away to hide the jealousy she felt. It wasn't jealousy of Vanessa, it was jealousy over the way Vanessa had someone to take care of her and love her unconditionally, two people to do so. Two people to do so when Blair had destroyed her own happiness before she'd even said 'I Do'.


	2. Guilt

Author's note: Sorry, I took this down shortly after I posted it the first time because it just wasn't sitting right. it needed a few things here and there and in order not to drive myself crazy hating it I needed badly to re do it. so I hope this is better.

Enjoy!

xo

Manda

* * *

She was still chicken legs skinny, Dan had pointed it out as he'd held his god daughter the afternoon previous. Vanessa smiled as she thought about the comment now, her daughter did look like a tiny shrimp as she laid sound asleep on her father's chest. The newborn onsie looked big and bunched on the innocent angel. Her knees were tucked under her, one little perfect set of five fingers were wrapped and squeezing tight as they could around Nate's left pointer finger. As her hazel eyes traveled up her tiny ball of a daughter it was the little face that made her smile, under her eyelids her father's same exquisite sapphire eyes, Vanessa's own nose only much smaller and button like, a little face that would, as soon as she could really smile would have the dimples that both of her parents possessed. Then there was the site that made Vanessa's heart burn even warmer, her little mouth was in a round 'O' as she slept. Vanessa knew that she looked up to her little girl's father his mouth would be slightly ajar also. She'd been taking bets since before the baby had arrived that she'd be a daddy's girl.

In all the evenings and nights they'd laid together on the couch. The times that Nate painted her toe nails, the feet that she couldn't quite see over her swollen stomach in the months prior to the arrival of the baby. He'd argued back and forth with her that he was going to be outnumbered and the baby was going to take her side in everything. Clearly already, even with her being four weeks old she was clearly Nate's daughter and already it seemed that the baby had her daddy wrapped completely around her finger. Her every beckoning cry he'd run to her without any bouts of hesitation.

Who would have thought Nate would be so good at being daddy so instantly? Perhaps they should have done it all sooner, no, that wouldn't have been possible. Being pregnant at thirty-five and refusing to give the father's name until he insisted that it was fine had been heard enough, she didn't know what she would have done if they'd been any younger. As she looked at her daughter she knew every bit of it was worth it. The baby and Nate were worth every tedious struggle they'd put themselves through to be together. Even their arguments and all of the times he'd stood her up and made her believe false excuses was even worth it. It was all the past now, they'd moved forward from everything that had taken place back when they were teenagers. All of that was half of their lives ago.

Raising her hand just enough to slip onto the baby's back she marveled in awe of every inhale and exhale of breathe that was let in and out of the tiny lungs. To anyone in the outside world she might have seemed like a whore, no one knew the struggle she'd gone through, the few people involved in the direct situations had gone through. All to get to the places they were now. It had been a long and difficult process, one that still shown the memories, scars, and wounds. After years of an uphill battle it didn't matter if she had a ring on her finger or not, the two things she'd waited years for were right beside her. In all ways that counted, they were hers.

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_Her eyes opened with a dull ache in her head, the morning light was pouring in through the blinds beside the bed and already making it so that Vanessa Abrams felt like she was going to throw up all over the red satin sheets. Red satin, she'd expected it on the day seven years ago that she'd first slept with him. She just wished he'd get the hint and get rid of them by now, they weren't eighteen anymore, they were twenty-five and it was time to grow up. When the thoughts came from the girl with the massive hangover that was slowly accumulating it didn't mean much she supposed. Today was one they'd both considered D-day, the day their already blackened hearts charred and crumbled._

_The smell of smoke made her roll over onto her back; her sleepy eyes looked at the cigarette in his hand before she looked at him. A still drunken smirk was pressed over his face as he spotted her awake out of the corner of his eyes. Half of her wanted to let out a grunt of annoyance and cover her face with the pillow in back of her head till she slowly suffocated to death. Rational thinking so early in the morning wasn't something she was very good with. Her most dramatic thoughts came out from their hidden spots of her mind in the times when her guard wasn't up._

_"You do know that we have an hour till we have to be at the wedding from hell right?"_

_A deep glare was in her eyes as she pulled herself from bed and grabbed a shirt off of the floor to put on. It was his, it reeked of smoke and last night's booze. Her head was spinning and she felt sick to her stomach already. The last thing she wanted to do was see the wedding take place right in front of her eyes. A pint of Ben and Jerry's Phish Food ice cream, a sappy movie, and a blanket on the couch sounded better to her then that. Even gouging her eyes out with pencils sounded better than watching the wedding._

_"Save me some room in that shower babe"_

_He called out after her and she stopped in the doorway to the bathroom, she raised an eyebrow and held up her right hand middle finger. She wasn't in the mood to play games this morning. Things were far to destroyed to play any sort of games about it all, the last thing she wanted to do was attend the wedding. He'd asked her to go with him, to be the 'candy on his arm' and for some stupid reason she'd said yes. Part of her hoped that they hurt seeing her with him hurt the groom as bad as she hurt._

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The feeling of eyes on her tore her from her thoughts as she looked up to meet sapphire blues of the man she'd been in love with for years. Even after all of their problems and betrayals he held her heart and the little girl on his chest proved it. With her right hand still on the baby's back his right hand found her left and laced fingers with a gentle squeeze. Vanessa hadn't believed it when she'd woken up at first, when Nate had told her the news about everything that had gone on earlier in the afternoon.

"You do know she's going to be up all night now right?"

She broke the silence of the room with whisper; her eyes like her hand were still locked with his. She felt him pull her hand from under her as he kissed her knuckles before placing their locked hands back at their sides and breaking her gaze to look down at their daughter. A sight they both could have marveled over for hours without any such complaint. The night he'd stayed with her in the hospital when in all rights he should have been home with his wife, they'd laid in the hospital bed together for over two hours not saying a thing, just looking at the baby in the clear bassinet beside them.

"Daddy's home to take the night shift."

It was a word he'd waited a long time to be able to say, waiting to say with her, her and only her. The smile that was on her face was one that made her dimples show brightly as he suddenly mirrored the same smile that was on his face. They both knew what it meant, it meant that they could both be together; they could be together with their daughter and live the life they'd wanted to for years past. No third parties in the middle of it all this time, they could be the family they'd wanted to be since the beginning.

"Emmie hated the fact that you weren't here last night. She was very fussy when it was just me that went to pick her up rather then you too."

Watching, she saw Nate bow his head to look at their child. She knew the loving regret that colored his features. Over the years she'd learned it better then she'd known it back before they'd even gotten their acceptance letters to the colleges they'd attended. It was her turn then; she lifted their hands to her cheeks and laid her head upon them.

"Bliss, will have daddy here every night for now on."

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_Hair was to her shoulder and a complete curly mess with diamond clips he'd bought her especially for the day. He was good to he, he had been good to her since he'd picked her up in the bar after Gossip Girl's exposing blast when they were eighteen. She stood facing the mirror, her crimson dress fell to the floor, the V-cut in the front was low and dangerous. Then there was the back, cut low enough to just barely cover. It was the way he liked it, she couldn't deny that he'd picked it out, it had his name written all over it. She hadn't heard him walking closer to her. It wasn't till his hands were on her hips did she notice he was there with her._

_"You look breath taking"_

_She smiled a smile that didn't quite touch her eyes. It had been a long time since smiles had touched her eyes. it had been a very long while since smiles had reached her eyes. His lips were on her neck then, his hands slipping up and down the silk of the gown she wore. Sex was one of the things he was always up for, regardless of the time of day it was. She'd known that from the very beginning of it all._

_"I'm not going to sleep with you right now, we have places to go."_

_With a gritted laugh he slipped his hand possessively to where the fabric in back finally covered her behind. She instantly rolled her eyes and turned away from the mirror grabbing the pocked it his neatly ironed suit. Not that she was in any rush to get there, but, she was in a rush to get it all over with. It didn't help that the best man was still with her with fifteen minutes till the ceremony was to start._

_"How about in the limo? You can at least relieve my tension of looking at you in that dress."_

_She dragged him through the clothes strewn hotel room to the door and out into the quiet hallway. The day was dreary, rain beat down on the ashy sidewalk she could see beyond the door. The rain seemed to be reflecting the way she felt on the inside. Even as he slipped his arm around her waist he wasn't the guy she wanted to be beside her. Of course the sex was ok, but he wasn't the man she loved, nor would he ever be. He was just there to take her thoughts away, as she was the same to him._

_"Depends on how fast you think you can get off."_

_Caring about much wasn't her anymore, she did what she had to and nothing more, she made him happy more than she ever bothered to care what type of shape she was in. As far as she cared she'd fallen apart long before the day of the wedding had approached, she'd fallen apart the day that her heart was crushed._

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"We named her Emorie Nate, we decided against going with Bliss for her first name and would you really want to be called by your middle name? Fitzwilliam."

She teased, they'd gone over and over baby names since before they'd found out they were having a little girl. She'd said Memory and he'd laughed. He said Bliss, the exact thing that he was feeling at the moment, at most moments with her and she'd laughed at him. Somewhere along the way their daughter had arrived at the name Emorie Bliss. It was the perfect name, the perfect name for their perfect little girl. Unique and different just like their story had been, a story that contained more holes and matters of being wrong then most stories did. they were no Notebook love story.

"At least Bliss isn't Marigold."

A playful shine was still to her eyes as she rolled them at him causing a laugh that disturbed their little girl from her peaceful slumber. Her sapphire eyes blinked open after being partly jostled, her head lifted just the tiniest bit off of Nate's chest as her curled up legs stretched out straight as though she needed to adjust positions.

"Making fun of my middle name now? You've met my parents."

Parents, parents that she still had yet to introduce to her daughter, to their daughter, why expose a baby to that craziness so early on. Anne, Anne on the other hand had known as soon as she saw the baby's sparkling blue eyes. Well, that and the true smile on her son's face. Though she wasn't pleased in the way it had happened exactly, she knew Blair had been being stubborn to give her son a divorce from the very beginning. Over the years she'd come to really know Vanessa, she was the daughter in law that Anne should have had from the start. Vanessa hadn't expected to get along with her as well as she did.

"I told you she liked Bliss better."

Nate whispered as Vanessa moved her hand up and down their baby girl's back. She was quiet, she didn't cry like most children would have. It was like she knew that moments with her parents were special. Maybe she had heard all the talks Vanessa had given to her stomach while Nate wasn't with her. The baby just looked for a moment up at her father's face before laying her head back down on his chest where she then looked at her mother then closed her perfect little eyes again, content to know that both her parents were there to provide her peace and shelter.

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_The wedding had been in every aspect and in every way as painful as she'd expected that it would be. Her heart hurt worse than when she'd seen the picture of the pair locking lips on her cell phone. Her eyes were filled with tears she hadn't let fall as she sat in the back row at the chapel. She hadn't fallen from his eyes the whole time it seemed though. He was either looking at his soon to be wife or throwing glances at the back row to look at her. She shivered involuntarily, thinking about all the glances he'd thrown at her._

_She wasn't going to break down, she wasn't going to break down, she wasn't going to… no, she was going to. all she wanted to do was find a room where she could be alone in the fucking hotel, somewhere she could break down completely. All of her anger and aggression needed to come out. Even finding the one she was tied to now and letting him do whatever he'd have liked to would have felt better then all of the twisted agony that she felt in every inch of her bones._

_"Blair get off of your knees and put your dress back on. Your husband is waiting for you."_

_It wasn't Nate's voice but it was a voice she recognized, it was the voice she'd heard night after night for the past few years. Her tears suddenly subsided as her head processed the facts she'd suddenly just heard. How could Blair be doing this to Nate? How could he be doing this to Nate? In a way Nate deserved it, no, she couldn't think that way. What about herself?_

_"You just had sex with me, five minutes after I said 'I do' to another man, your best friend none the less. Now, all I want to do is give you what you gave me and you won't allow it? Come on Chuck."_

_Blair's voice was low and sultry from behind the door, it just made Vanessa more and more disgusted. People on the Upper East Side never changed. Even once they'd had their hearts broken. She should have known it was the Chuck and Blair way, screw everyone over that wasn't one another. Even if it meant breaking vows, because now that Blair was Blair Cornelia Archibald, she was pretty sure what she was doing was classified as adultery._

_"No Blair, this isn't right… this shouldn't have happened. Nate doesn't deserve this. Vanessa doesn't deserve this. She's been hurt by you enough, I don't want to add to her pain."_

_Vanessa wanted to tear herself away, even if Chuck had suddenly decided to be a good person it still didn't excuse what he and Nate's 'wife' had done straight after she'd said 'I Do'. Vanessa was sick of these people, sick of the life they lead. She went to turn from the door, to run from the hotel where the reception was. Only, when she did so she walked almost right into the tall blonde._

_"Vanessa? Have you seen Blair?"_

_Even if she had the power to destroy something that had just taken place she couldn't stoop as low as the rest of them. Vanessa looked up at Serena and shook her head no. She'd lie and cover everyone's asses one final time, she wouldn't do it again, and she couldn't do it again. It hurt far too much to be in the middle of things that caused so much pain to herself._

* * *

_Iman - (: there's the update, hope you like it, YOB should be done shortly. if I can stop myself from procrastinating._

_Phoe - Nate and a baby... wait re try that. Nate with his and Vanessa's baby is one of the most adorable images ever. awwh Nate carying around a baby wrapped in a little blanket. yea, cuteness right there. Before Nate gets in to much trouble for what he's done there's an explination for it all._

_Kristina - That's what I was aiming for! as for both CB and NV geting their happy endings. I have to say, you're what sparked me with the idea of Chuck. so we'll see, perhaps... _

_Izzy - I have to honestly admit that I am NOT a Blair fan. not in the books, not in the show. and normally i'd say she deserves what she gets. but I will do my best to look at it with a level head. promise. as for chuck. you know, you never know... maybe ;)_

3venst4r 2009 - as I said before I'm not a Blair fan. lol, but keep in mind Karma's a bitch... what goes around comes around. Blair's done her own wrongs also, Blair is NEVER innocent

zenith16 - for a story I only planned to make a one shot i'm working at it (: yep, NV check... CB i'll work on. i've never written CB to be honest

sharebearhoover22 - thank yo so much for your review! I hope you liked the update

izzyjane - sorry about that! it's here now! better then before


	3. Anger

Author's note: why the hell do I always do things so screwed up? Ok that in pure English is, I have chapter five partially written, and I think it's good, bitter sweet but good. And that's all I'm going to say right now. more of my author's note at the bottom, thank you Katie for being amazing and putting up with my crazy texts (: without you nothing would get written, but you know that. Andddd WORK ON MISTY. Ok I'm done! Enjoy the chapter… leave me a review, they make me smile. You know how good it feels to get reviews.

Xoxo

Manda

* * *

"Miss Blair? Miss Blair? I have items you ask for, Miss Blair"

Darota knocked politely at Blair Archibald's door, Archibald, it was a last name his bride had only held for two weeks and already he felt like he was suffocating in her. Her and her random temper tantrums that happened whenever something happened that wasn't her way. They seemed to be getting more and more frequent, there were nights already when Nate took a blankets and went to sleep on the couch rather than anywhere near his wife.

Nate fixed his tie as he heard Darota's voice coming from the bathroom area. He'd warned Blair about abusing Darota, he'd always hated the way Blair treated her like a lower class citizen. He'd told her that if she needed anything he'd get it for her, she didn't have to over use Darota anymore. For the first time since Blair was three Darota could have one of her well deserved breaks.

"Darota, is she hassling you again? Didn't I tell you to take a vacation from her? In fact, didn't I give you the money to go take a nice long vacation for a while?

The twenty-five year old asked as a irresistible smile spread across his face. He'd told Blair an hour ago that they were going to be late for a dinner date with Serena and Chuck, now, they were defiantly late to meet the other two at Nobu. The two best friends had demanded a dinner date with the newlyweds, and Blair had demanded that both of their significant others weren't invited to the gathering.

"Miss Blair took money Mr. Nate. She say she need me more here. She send me to buy test and come straight here. Miss Blair say emergency."

Nate put his fingers on his temples and shook his head, was she ever going to grow up and stop treating people the way she did. He knew the answer was a no. His mind slowly backtracked, what had Darota said she had? Tests? She'd brought her tests? What kind of… no way in hell. Nate felt like his blood had suddenly frozen in his veins, he wasn't ready for this. If what he suddenly thought she meant was right. He wasn't sure if he was even ready to be married. He sure as hell wasn't ready to bring anyone else into that agreement.

"Darota… you… the bag… tests, pregnancy tests?"

Never had he been a very fast thinker or talker, not unless it involved flashing his perfect smile to get his way in things, all of the times he'd gotten the pout of her face with it. The pout off of her face and her into his bed just to make her smile more… no, he shouldn't have been thinking of Vanessa. His wife had locked herself in the bathroom. His WIFE, his wife that could very well have been carrying his child, child, five letters he didn't want to put together. He wished the bathroom door wasn't locked suddenly. The only thing Nate wanted to do all of a sudden was throw up. Just the thought and all of his nerves were making him feel sick to his stomach.

"Mr. Nate, I not tell you. Miss Blair tell you if she expecting baby."

That was it, as soon as the word 'baby' had left Darota's mouth Nate had politely turned his head away from her and thrown up all over the carpeted floor. He wasn't ready for anything more being tossed his way. He was already having thoughts that he'd done the wrong thing right from the start.

* * *

"I love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

Nate sat in the rocking chair at three thirty in the morning rocking the little girl who was wide awake in his arms back and forth. Her beautiful bright blue eyes were staring at him like there was no tomorrow. His month old daughter and his girlfriend were his entire world, they had been from the moment the stick turned blue. Vanessa had been even before that, the love of his life. As he sat there whispering the words to the book 'I love you forever' there was no other place in the world that he'd rather have been. His eyes were glossy still from sleep but his little girl was awake enough for the two of them. She was a night child, just as he and Vanessa had been since they'd started their sneaking around five years before. You really did inherit some things from your parents he was starting to figure out. There was one thing that he knew he hadn't inherited from his own. That was their parenting skills. He'd never do the things they did.

"And when that son came home that night he stood for a long time at the top of the stairs. Then, he went into the room where his very new baby daughter was sleeping. He picked her up in his arms and he very slowly rocked her back and forth, back and forth, back and… baby, what are you doing awake? I told you I'd take night time tonight."

He'd heard her footsteps coming soon as she'd gotten out of their bed, it wasn't till he looked up to meet her eyes that he saw that they were glossy with tears. He knew the reason, it was the story he was reciting from memory, the story he'd recited from memory to her stomach every night since they'd found out they were expecting. It was the first book Ruby had learned to read on her own, the book Ruby had read her baby sister every night before they went to sleep. The same book Anne Archibald whispered to her son every night till he was eleven years old and too embarrassed to have his mother tuck him in anymore. It was the one book that every parent that read it to their children and meant every word of. A deep meaning that Nate now knew with every last ounce of blood that pumped through his heart.

"And while he rocked her he sang: I love you forever, I like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be."

Vanessa finished off as she took steps closer to him before kneeling down on the purple rug right beside the cherry wood rocking chair. He reached out the hand that wasn't cradling their precious baby daughter in his arms and brushed a tear that was slowly descending down her cheek away. It didn't matter if Vanessa Abrams was the water works type or not, the sight she'd stood there and taken in was hers. From the man with the sleep matted messy dirty blonde hair and piercing blue eyes to the child they'd created together that looked like a tiny ant in his arms. Everything about the moment they'd worked for.

She leaned her head on his knee and he continued to rub back and forth on her cheek bone with his soft hand as they both gazed with more love and pride at their little girl. Five years ago they'd started their rendezvous; three years ago they'd nearly been in this position, now finally there they were, the family they'd strived to have. Without anyone in the middle of it all this time, a time Vanessa hadn't thought she'd ever get.

* * *

Nate paced back and forth in front of the front door, Blair had been gone out early in the morning and she still wasn't back. His pregnant wife was missing and not picking up her cell phone. She'd been so irrational and bothered since she'd snapped Darota's head off for telling him she was bringing pregnancy tests to the house. Nate was sure that his throwing up hadn't helped much either but his world had spun. He wasn't ready to be a father and already there was going to be a kid following him around calling him 'daddy'. It wasn't something Nate had wanted to even consider for years, the two scares he'd had as a teenager had been enough to keep him off the daddy track for quite some time.

Expressing his concerns to Blair about all of it was not something he'd so much as dared to do. She was irrational enough on a good day, she'd know that he didn't want the baby and it would have just made her pick up her insecurities more then she already had. So, he'd decided to just suck it up, his life was over enough now that he was married, why not just add father to that. Tripp and Maureen would be delighted. The thought made him grimace, what in his right mind had he been thinking when he followed the things his cousin had said anyways? Most of all, how could he have let **her** go for Blair.

The door in back of him swung open and Nate whipped around and out of his thoughts. It wasn't the time for him to be having thoughts like that. It wasn't fair to his wife. Wife was a word that was starting to feel dirtier in his thoughts as the days went on and it had only been two weeks of having the title given to her.

"Where the hell have you been? I've been trying to call you for hours Blair. I called Serena, and Chuck, your mother… everyone and no one knew where the hell you were. I was worried."

He watched her moves as she put the shopping bags down and didn't bother to look up at his ramblings. Nate wasn't used to being the mature one in a relationship. Maybe he'd skipped having a baby all together only to suddenly inherit a stubborn self absorbed teenager with an attitude.

"I had a problem I had to get rid of."

Simply she looked up at him and tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. He studied her face trying to tell what the hell she was talking about. Nate hadn't ever been one to figure out riddle games. The only thing he'd come to understand when it came to riddles was the ones Vanessa would leave before meeting him on the roof of her apartment to cuddle and watching the stars as they lay wrapped in blank…. Not what he should have been thinking about at all. They were things he'd given up. Blair, Blair was important now and he needed to get it though his thick skull.

"Whatever, so are we even going to talk about what happened last night?"

Pulling out a chair he sat down as he watched her go through the bags of things she'd bought. His mind wondered, had she bought baby things already? Would he have to be reminded every day that she was pregnant, already? Why hadn't he been more careful, he really needed to have been.

"There's nothing to talk about."

Snapping quickly Blair picked up her things and disappeared out of the room. He rolled his eyes and shook his head before getting up to follow after her into the bedroom. The last thing he wanted to do was deal with her candidness today. He'd had a bad enough day coming to terms with the fact that his life as he knew it was over. It would be nothing but Lamaze classes and diapers from here on out.

"Blair, you're pregnant. You're pregnant and we have nothing to talk about?"

He knew he'd probably catch slack for that one, but she was the one that was pregnant. She was carrying the kid; he'd only been a small part in how it had gotten there. This was bad, the last pregnancy scare he'd had he'd been more in control of the situation as the female in his life cried her eyes out till the stick showed a negative sign. She hadn't wanted his lifestyle, money, or the added responsibility of caring for something so little and important, caring for her drunken sister was enough. He could still remember everything he'd done to try and comfort her. The way he'd told her that the baby was going to have bright sapphire eyes if they were in fact pregnant. In the end it had turned out to be just a scare.

"That's because I'm not pregnant anymore Nate"

Blair's annoyed voice snapped at him yet her words made him have to hold in a flicker of a smile. If he gushed he'd surly be sleeping on the couch for the rest of the week, as tempting as that sounded he knew that Eleanor would have them in marriage counseling already if that happened. She was determined to see to it that the word D-I-V-O-R-C-E never once crossed though her daughter's mind. What the hell had Nate gotten himself into?

* * *

He always hated waking up alone in bed, rolling over in the New Port bed and reaching out to wrap his arm around her only to find the other half of the bed completely empty is something he liked even less. Far to many memories of things that had gone horribly wrong lingered in the achers of land. Vanessa being missing made him shiver in memories, memories of nights he'd found her in the back garden crying, her perfect pain filled hazel eyes red and bloodshot. Nate shook at the memory and attempted to remind himself that all was over three years ago. The reason they were in New Port now was completely changed from what it had once been.

First he kicked the covers off, she kept the air conditioning way to high in the summer. Then he pulled himself from the bed in search of his girlfriend and daughter. Twelve AM was a little early for a feeding he noticed as he glanced quickly at the clock. The light in the nursery was off foo, the nursery his mother had thrown together soon as she'd found out. Nate wondered into the white and cherry-wood room expecting her to be rocking with their daughter in her arms. The moon casting in the picture window showed him that neither Vanessa nor their daughter were in the nursery. As he walked to the window he knew already where she was.

The dragonfly lights that surrounded the garden were bright and he could just make out her figure sitting on the ground leaning against the bench. Standing and watching for a few moments he knew when he went down there he wouldn't find the same Vanessa he'd found years ago. She wouldn't be crying tears nether one of them could control. He walked down the staircase and outside careful not to wake Anne who was still asleep upstairs. The sliding door slid open with a quiet squeak as he stepped onto the deck. She didn't look up or over at him, he knew she probably hadn't even heard him. He was able to get all the way across the lawn and to the garden without breaking her from the trance she was in.

Kneeling down beside he she finally looked over at him. Emmorie was sound asleep in her carrier, a white blanket over the light brown of the Orbit car seat to keep her from any chill. Nate reached over to pull Vanessa onto his lap as he buried his face in her neck soon as she was.

"What are you doing out here? I don't like waking up with you missing, both of you missing."

Nate whispered keeping his voice low as he watched Vanessa reached her hand out to touch one of the orange roses on the bush beside them. The flower garden had been planted three years ago and somehow it still looked perfect and new. He'd watched them plant it, Vanessa and his mother. Vanessa's memory garden, one she'd needed badly at the time.

"I thought there were something's Emmie needed to know about. You know, before she's old enough to actually remember it all."

He kissed the side of her head knowing exactly what she was talking about and what was going through her mind. Tightening his grip around her waist he waited for her to either allude onto more of what she was saying or just drop it. He knew how hard it was for her to think about never mind put into words.

"I just keep thinking about how protective Zoey would have been of her. How protective Zoey would have been of the both of them, had everything not gotten so screwed up and I hadn't…"

She was blaming herself again he noticed right away. Something she had done over and over in the weeks and months following everything that had happened. She laid her head back against his shoulder and used her foot to rock the car seat their daughter was asleep in.

"The chicken dog and the egg"

It was the first time that he'd said it and she'd actually smiled, a smile that wasn't fake. They'd both come to terms with Zoey's death, it hadn't been a very easy struggle to deal with but when they looked at the real terms it all made sense, Zoey had gone to protect her little buddy that hadn't ever gotten a chance to breath.

* * *

In the house was not a place he wanted to be to he'd taken off. He'd stormed right out of their brownstone in need of the fresh air hitting his face, needing an escape from the world around him because he'd clearly made the wrong choice in his decisions. The air around him was scorching hot, august humid. He should have been in the Hampton, sunning it up with the best of life, a cold beer in his hand watching the beach. Instead he was stuck in the hell he now called his life. He could hear his feet hitting the dirt pavement but he couldn't remember much other than that. All he knew was that he'd be sleeping in his own bed for the night, in his childhood home.

Central park was where he finally stopped running. He stopped running and leaned against a bench not to collapse. His thought process was going much too fast. He should have known she wouldn't change from high school; she'd cheated on him once she'd do it again. Why didn't he remember a saying like that from the beginning, it would have saved him all of the torture that was suddenly after him. He needed to learn that he was the one in control of his life and no one else was supposed to be able to make decisions for him, perhaps someday he'd learn that stood for him also.

It wasn't that he wanted the baby, no, the last thing he wanted was to add any more complications to his already messed up life. It was the fact that they were married now and she hadn't even talked to him before she'd made her decisions. Of course, he wouldn't have taken the news of her sleeping with both Chuck and Carter before the wedding very lightly but at least she wouldn't have made a rash decision that affected both of their lives without him knowing. She'd done it for him, for them was what she told him. If she'd done it for him she would have been clean and honest about cheating on him from the start. He wouldn't have learned to deal with a child with Chuck's side smirk or Carter's nose, she was his wife, he would have done his best to make it all alright.

"Zoey! Zoey sit! . . . good girl"

The voice was one he would have known no matter where he was, the name was another that made his head turn on the instant, he knew them both from miles away. As he turned his head he spotted her, the brunette with the corkscrew curls and the white maltipoo who sat eagerly beside her head attempting to paw at and bite the camera in her hands. It was hard to believe the dog was seven years old with the way it toyed around with her like it was still a youthful puppy.

"Zoey no, what are you doing silly pu…"

A smile came to his own face as he watched the small dog climb on top of her beloved half owner and lick her face as though she hadn't seen her in weeks. Knowing the way Vanessa was that was far from the case. He watched a few moments longer as Vanessa allowed Zoey to settle down almost and chew on strands of her hair. That was something he'd always loved about her, no, he couldn't think that way. He was married now. He glanced down at the gold ring on his left hand and shook his head, why'd he done it?

"Zoey, NO! Stop it!"

She was back after the camera lens again, frustrating Vanessa the most a seven pound puppy could. The image in front of him made him laugh lightly, at least some things didn't change. Nate was finally able to stand up on his own again as he walked closer to the pair on the Central Park ground. Vanessa looked like she could have used a little bit of rescuing and interaction with both of them he knew would do him good.

"Zoey… come here, what are you doing? Stop trying to eat V, she's not a chew toy."

Nate knelt down on the ground as the puppy jumped off of Vanessa and headed at a fast pace straight for him. Picking the little ball of fluff up he let the puppy lick his face was excitement. He'd bought Zoey the day Vanessa was accepted to NYU. It wasn't like his stubborn girlfriend could have said no to Zoey's puppy dog eyes. She'd fallen in love with Zoey at first glance. He watched Vanessa lying on the ground with her eyes clamped shut. She was still hurt, it wasn't something he'd caused and she wouldn't ever get over. That was something he knew.

"Zoey what did I tell you about playing with mice"

Her annoyed voice was even one that made him laugh slightly, as always being around Vanessa meant he could breathe again. She stood up from the ground, hanging her camera around her wrist and walked hesitantly over to him and the puppy. He could see the pain in her eyes in every step that she took. It was Zoey's whimpering for attention that broke them both from their intent stare. They both seemed to remember instantly that the rule about no fighting in front of puppy was clearly in place.

* * *

Tucking her into the bed he leaned down to kiss her forehead. She'd been sound asleep for an hour, since she'd fallen asleep leaning against his shoulder while he skipped rocks at the pond. It was their first few hours out together without their baby girl and they both hated almost every second of it. He lingered watching her sleep for a moment. This was everything they'd fought for. Now spending the past two weeks at the New Port house they both felt relax, an escape from city drama till they had to go back and face his divorce full on. Something he was ready for but still a little bit afraid of.

Making sure the covers were up and the air conditioning was set on high he slowly shut the door behind him to set out to look for his daughter and his mother. He'd been almost afraid to leave the baby with her, but Vanessa had argued with him that it was perfectly fine, Anne had raised him and he'd turned out ok after all. So with a little bit of hesitation he'd agreed and kissed his daughter's cheek before placing her into her Nana's arms.

"Mom?"

He'd heard the creaking of the rocking chair soon as he'd entered the hall off of the dining room. Whispering not to wake up the baby he knew had to be asleep he tip toed into the once abandoned nursery. Walking into the light pink room he smiled soon as he saw what was in front of him. Sure, Nate and his mother hadn't always gotten along when he was a kid. But since she'd figured out his secrets they'd been close, Anne was more patient then she'd ever been in the past.

"Hey honey, did you two have a nice time?"

Nodding his head with a smile across his face he took a few steps closer to his mother and reached a hand out to touch the pink blanket that in closed the six week old child. He was surprised when he received an instant coo and her little head turned to look at him, eyes shining.

"Hey beautiful, nana's already breaking your schedule isn't she? Yea mom, we went out for dinner and for a walk. Stealing our phones so we couldn't call and check on her wasn't very nice. You're just lucky that V trusts you as well as she does."

After an evening spent with Vanessa and a day in the garden Nate had had a good day, for the past two weeks everything had been just the way it always should have been all along. Nate moved to attempt to take his little girl from his mother's arms and Anne made a move away from him.

"I haven't done this in years. How about you go back to Vanessa and get some sleep. We're going to go back to the stories that we were telling before you got in here. She's a very good listener you know."

Anne's quietly beaming smile was contagious as Nate saw the little smile on his daughter's face, her first smile for anyone that wasn't her mother or father, a first of many firsts. He ran his finger over her little hand

"I was just telling her about the first time I met her mother. Do you remember that compromising situation?"

A quiet laugh escaped Nate's lips and he nodded his head. His mother finding his girlfriend in the shower of his bathroom at eighteen was a story he knew that Vanessa no matter how hard she tired would never life down. Had she been in the room her cheeks would have been bright pink. At least they could just all laugh about it now.

"Please tell me you're keeping it all rated G in here right?"

Anne nodded her head letting him know she was sugar coating everything for the sake of the little girl in her arms, her granddaughter. It wasn't something that Nate thought he'd see, especially not his mother as happy holding her granddaughter as she was. She was happy, and she'd been happy. Since she'd helped out with the memorial garden she'd been happy.

"I'm proud of you Nate, stepping up and getting what you want, everything you've really wanted. She's perfect honey, they both are. I've never seen Vanessa smile as much as she has this weekend and I've seen that girl through the worst of it. I didn't give her enough credit in the beginning, I don't know how she's stuck around waiting for you Nate, but I'm happy she has."

Finally Anne stood up from the rocking chair and transferred the baby girl in her arms over to her son. She kissed her granddaughter, then her son a good night kiss as Nate looked down at his daughter.

"I am too Mom, I am too."

While he was looking down Anne retreated to the door only to bump into Vanessa, wide awake and looking for two of the people that mattered most to her. She embraced Vanessa for a second and then headed to bed.

* * *

Izzy- Emmie… Bliss… the argument over her name just isn't going to end. Lol, hope you liked this chapter . Blair and Chuck don't need reasons for anything, they follow what they're doing and that's the only thing they care about.

Biana- haha, maybe I just should have called it the story of adultery? :D Poor Natie, I feel bad just thinking about it. As you can tell, Nate's pain didn't quite even stop there.


	4. Reflection

Author's note: So this turned out much longer then I thought it would, but I couldn't stop writing it. I hope you like it, and PLEASE review? (: Thank you Katie, for pushing me to write more.

Izzy- The Garden mention was souposed to be confusing, it'll all be explained fully in the next chapter. I promise!

(:

enjoy and leave your thoughts

i'll give you a cookie... or a carrot! (Katie)

xoxo

Manda

* * *

_"What happened to being so sure that you were doing the right thing? I still remember your bachelor party where you swore you knew what you were doing by marrying her."_

_It had been a year since they'd first met up in the park when Zoey had been attempting to eat Vanessa's camera. Even since they'd spent two nights out of the week racing one another around Central Park and playing catch with Zoey, Vanessa swore it was only for what was in the best interests of the dog. There were times that Nate swore the dog was more of their child then an animal. None the less at least they had her to force the two of them to spend time together. When Nate was around Vanessa he could completely open up and be himself, unlike how it was when he was home with Blair._

_"V, a year ago I followed my grandfathers threats about money rather than thinking about anything else. I'm not blaming my grandfather for any of this. It's fully my responsibility. They're mistakes that I made myself and no one else is to blame for it."_

_When he said he was taking responsibility for his actions she laughed and dropped her steady pace of running to drop to her knees on the park ground. It was almost midnight and Vanessa was exhausted, she'd worked shooting angles of a music video for some New York City underground rock band all day long, and, she needed to be up by five to open the gallery for Rufus who was away somewhere or other with Lily. As she sat on her knees Zoey hyperly bounced up and down in front of Vanessa and attempted to beat the draw string on Vanessa's sweatshirt with her paws._

_"Oh Archibald quit your bitching and moaning, isn't that what marriage is? Hard times and good times? you two have been married what, a little over a year? Go to marriage counseling or something. You never know, it could work."_

_The words were ones she forced out of her mouth as she laid back in the grass and lifted the dog over her head only to bring Zoey closer and snuggle her till she got away. Nate had been standing watching the pair in awe till Zoey had scampered away and rambled over to him to bit his sweatpants and attempt to drag him to the grass as best the little dog could. Reluctantly he agreed and picked Zoey up as he sat down in the grass beside Vanessa and allowed Zoey to climb all over him too._

_"Marriage counseling? Oh god forbid, if I even suggested it she'd chew me out like she does every day on a daily basis anyways. Eleanor dropped by for a visit yesterday and Blair actually sat on my lap and made me pretend we were just the happiest couple. I wanted to yell that the act needed to be dropped and we needed the damn divorce that she refuses to grant. I mean, we could just be happy if she'd just sign the papers."_

_Leaning over he reached under the bench he'd hidden the cooler under before they'd started their race around the park. Pulling it between them he pushed it open and took out two of the beers, and a water bottle for Zoey. A yearly night ritual for the three of them as Vanessa took it out of his hand and popped off the cap shaking her head at the last part of his statement._

_"A divorce already? You guys have been married for a little over a year and you're already to call it quits. Not the man I took you for Nate Archibald. I thought being married actually meant more than just your name on a paper and the words 'I do' slipping out of your mouth. I know Blair's not a peach and I don't know how you've put up with her this long but giving up already isn't that a little harsh."_

_She wanted to bite her tongue, to stop talking but she knew it wouldn't have been right to encourage him to give up so easy. He'd made the decision to marry her all on his own, no one had forced his hand in it. Part of him had to be in love with her, which was a part of him Vanessa didn't want to think about. She was doing enough to beat her daemons and not smile at the word divorce slipping from his lips. There wasn't anything she wanted more then to be able to have him as her own again. That was one thing she missed, but, if it had to friendship would do._

_"She's cheating on me, and she's been cheating on me since before the wedding V, I told you this. I'm just sick of putting up with it all."_

_Taking another swig from his bottle he laid back on the ground and Zoey climbed on his chest and walked in a circle before deciding to lay down with her head on her paws facing Vanessa. Vanessa reached out to pet her head as the next sentence out of her mouth was almost completely under her breath._

_"Just like I'm sick of sleeping with Chuck, but sometimes it's better to be used then left all alone now isn't it?"_

_She muffled out before another sip from the bottle. Even after they'd talked about him cheating on her at the wedding and even before that she hadn't been able to stop. she needed to feel like someone needed her for just a little while. They had opened it up to an open relationship, once and a while an open relationship. She didn't care for Chuck and she never had, but in her own sick and twisted way it made her feel closer to Nate. Not that that was anything she'd divulge._

* * *

"Uncle Nate!"

With great enthusiasm the two year old screeched out as he ran full force at the door to great his uncle. It was Wednesday, which meant that it was the day of the week that Nate took Jamie Humphrey to the park to play catch for a few hours. While Dan was at work and Serena was overlooking a shoot rather than modeling like she should have been Nate played around with the blonde haired green eyed little boy. He'd done it since after he was born, hardly ever missing a meet. Nate had always hated it when Serena and Dan left him with nannies when there was no point for it.

He hadn't even been in the door yet when Jamie had yelled, but as soon as he could he'd popped his head into the door and put his finger to his lips to usher a shh warning. Jamie silenced himself with his own finger to his lips, a game of sorts they'd always done.

"I have a new play thing for you, only, she's asleep right now and you have to be very very careful with her ok Jame?"

Nate whispered as he carried the Orbit carrier into the room, shaded part drawn down so no one could see in. The eight pound little girl had fallen asleep on the walk over, babbling and smiling away at her daddy. She was tiny still, smaller than most infants, but she was stubborn and she'd been early. Early for him to have missed her birth all together, something he still regretted.

"Is it a puppy uncle Natie? I want a puppy!"

Serena hadn't come into the room yet but at Jamie's guesses that Nate had a live animal in the room on the light beige carpet Nate knew she'd come running. And sure enough just like Nate had expected her to do, with heels clicking on the wooden floor that led to the carpeted room Serena came racing with her hands on her hips. She knew better then to put anything past Nate, he'd bring Jamie a puppy in a heartbeat if that was what the child asked for.

"Nathaniel Fitzwilliam Archibald if you have a living breathing animal in that room you can forget your play date. You know that Dan and I decided that when he's a little bit older we'll buy a puppy, but not till then, especially if we're thinking of having a new… Nate… that's a baby carrier."

Standing in the living room now Serena had a confused expression spread across her face, which meant that Blair hadn't said anything about the pending divorce or Nate's daughter to anyone. It didn't surprise him and it kind of relieved him, he wanted to be the one to share the news of his little girl with everyone he was now permitted to tell. They'd talked it to death in the three weeks they'd been in New Port and they'd finally decided that there wasn't any hiding their two month old daughter from the world anymore, why should they have had to. He loved his little girl and was more than anxious to show her off already.

"Well aren't you just one to ruin surprises."

With his classic smirk he reveled in the confusion he'd caused to the blonde in front of him. It was right then that the awkward silence that Nate had been taking in was broken by the gentle light cooing coming from inside of the car seat. He bent down and undid the buckles and straps till she was loose from the carrier. As he lifted her up and out she stretched her little legs out and reached up with her little arms as Nate laid her head against his shoulder.

"Uncle Natie! That's a baby! It's not a puppy"

Jamie exclaimed as Serena walked closer to Nate to inspect the delicate child in his arms. He could tell right away she knew the baby he was holding. Vanessa had brought her there right before she'd been a month old. She was more alert now then she'd been then. Her sapphire eyes popped open soon as she knew that Serena was looking at her. Nate cuddled her closer and kissed the side of her head just awaiting Serena's guesses and exclamations.

"Why are you out with Vanessa's baby Nate? I didn't know you were just the babysitter for the old crew of kids. And never would I expect you to take Vanessa's baby out, Dan and I both know how you felt about her. But we tried to tell you, you just didn't listen to anyone. You hurt both yourself and Vanessa just don't tell Blair I'm saying this because she'll have my head. You know how she gets just as well as I do."  
Either she was afraid to get it right, or afraid that she'd know something Blair didn't Nate wasn't sure. But it didn't matter to him, all Serena had to do was really look into her eyes, Emmorie's eyes were Nate's eyes. Bright, shinning, sapphire blues with just like slightest hue of her mother's.

"Vanessa and I flipped a coin this morning and I got her for the day, it was the only way to solve it without spitting her in two. She's really too beautiful to be cut in half anyway."

His response to her was a bit vague all the more reason to leave Serena guessing what really was going on in front of her eyes.

* * *

_"I'm sorry we're…. closed… what are you doing here. I thought we weren't meeting tonight. I'm not really all that up for a run I've worked all day and all I really want to do is lie down and collapse."_

_Meeting his gaze there was something different in his eyes, something that hadn't been there in the past four years. A familiar gaze that she was used to seeing only when they were alone, one that she'd seen many times standing in the same spot as he was standing now. It was a look he usually blinked and looked away from her to avoid. They'd been meeting for three years and never once had they lost control of their friendship. They'd done everything they could to not take it past just a platonic friendship, even if it meant not seeing one another for a week._

_That's what it had been the past week Vanessa doing her best to avoid him to prevent things to go any further then they would have liked it to go. At least further then he would have wanted it to go, so she thought at least._

_"I, we can't do this anymore."_

_He stuttered out and she raised her head to look at him feeling her defenses suddenly creep up on her. Nate's eyes were still liquid sapphires as he gazed at her. Vanessa turned her back to him right away. If he was breaking their friendship off she sure as hell couldn't look at him, she knew her eyes would water. It was almost as if Zoey had sensed the sudden tension in Vanessa's behavior as she barked out till Nate put her down._

_"You know, you could have just told me that over the phone. You didn't have to come all the way to Brooklyn, go home to your wife Nate."_

_Annoyance filled her voice as she bent down beside the counter at the sound of Zoey running over to her. The white dog was instantly in front of her as she picked her up and snuggled Zoey to her cheek, at least she had one thing she could count on. Vanessa was too lost in her own thoughts that when she stood up and turned around she hadn't expected to have Nate directly in front of her with her back against a cabinet. Herself pinned to the cabinet as close as she could get._

_"That's not what I meant"_

_His voice was low and sultry and it made the hair on the back of Vanessa's neck stand up on edge. Vanessa could almost feel his breath on her face with him being so close to her. A shiver ran up her back again and she did all she could to not look into his eyes as he got closer, his hands were against the counter top on either side of her, his body just inches from hers and she was beginning to have trouble forming coherent thoughts._

_"I mean I can't keep being around you without losing control, I'm not strong enough to anymore. I can't be around you without wanting to touch you, without kissing you and having every feeling that we did once. I miss you Vanessa, I need us."_

_With a pitiful whisper that was making her weak in the knees he'd closed the space between them and his mouth was moving closer and closer to her neck. She couldn't stop him, she wasn't even sure if the words were coming out of her mouth right when she attempted to protest. There was just something about Nate Archibald that made her want to let every shred of dignity she had go._

_"You're married Nate, we're not supposed to do this."_

_Her words were low as he completely closed the gap between them and his lips connected with her collar bone. Vanessa nearly dropped Zoey as she went almost limp and let him lift her onto the counter top she'd been backed up against. That was it, she couldn't think for herself, she'd given into him completely as she placed Zoey down on the counter top on the side of her and found her hands just as suddenly at his belt to unbuckle it._

_When Nate pulled away from her she felt her heart suddenly drop almost out of her chest. She watched with a confused gaze as he picked up Zoey from beside her and placed her onto the floor._

_"Zoey, take the treats I bought you to the other room… ok?"_

_He said still crouched down as he nuzzled Zoey to his cheek for a second before putting on her way out of café area. Standing back to face her his eyes were still full of everything they'd been before, he was still a few inches away from her as he took off his shirt and resumed back to where he'd been. She wrapped her legs around his waist to prevent any further pull away. This wasn't going to be just some tease, she needed him._

_--------------------------------------_

_The sun shown in from the blinds partly open in the front of the gallery, she'd never been so relieved that the windows were as high as they were. Her eyes fluttered open slowly as she turned on her side only to meet up with the curve of his body which she snuggled into only to feel him wrap his arms around her and hold her to him as though it was the end of the world and these were the only moments they had left together. He'd had everything premeditated, two blankets for them to lay on and cover up with in his bag. She should have known._

_"Hey beautiful, I thought you were going to sleep all day."_

_He whispered as he leaned in and pressed his lips to her forehead. She closed her eyes as soon as his lips touched her, she wanted to marvel in the moment. Just of being with him as they were. Lifting her head up just a little she met his lips only to be distracted by Zoey in back of her trying to climb up on her head._

_"She's been itching for you to get up for the past hour."_

_Hugging the sheet closer to her chest she lifted Zoey up and placed her in the middle of them on top of the sheet where Zoey licked Nate's face good morning before settling herself down right between them. Once Zoey had settled down they tried one more time to complete their kiss._

_It was the first time they'd been together in nearly ten years, but, it had been worth every second of it. There was something about his kisses, the way he touched her, and the way he'd held her all night that promised her this wasn't just one night of random passion, this was the love of a lifetime back to show exactly what it all meant._

* * *

"Two coffees, one black with two sugars, one decaf with… I don't even know how much sugar I just put in this, all I know is there's a lot. Emmie isn't the biggest fan of sleep lately, I don't know what I'm going to do with her. It's almost the time when she'll sleep through the night isn't it? I shouldn't want this time to go by, I just miss sleep."

Vanessa said as she walked up behind him and placed the coffee down on the desk without him turning around. Dan had been working at the New York Times for almost ten years now. Enough time for him to have his own cynical column and his own office. For as long as she could remember she'd been meeting him at the office once a week for coffee, then they'd walk down to Dylan's candy bar as Vanessa's request. It was a friendship that couldn't be changed no matter what the rituals and problems that came up were. Even the sixteen weeks out of her life she'd hardly been able to move an inch he'd brought her gummy bears and sour war heads.

"Great, coffee and my ne… Vanessa you do know that when you have a baby your supposed to bring her with you. She's not old enough to stay home by herself and make soup like you've always done. She's not that talented yet. Regardless of who her mystery father is, which makes me add I still don't understand why you won't tell me who he is."

Her skeptical best friend panicked as she laughed at him and rolled her eyes. She wouldn't have expected Dan to react any other way. Acting out of control had just gotten worse since Jamie had been born. Vanessa and Serena both made fun of him for it relentlessly. It wasn't like they needed to give him a new reason to rant and rave about things., they both swore he invented the things he stressed out about.

"Remember how Serena and I call you before we go out so you can come over and watch Jamie? That's what you're… oh god, don't tell me you left her with Ruby. Even leaving her with Serena is better than that. Even if she keeps me up all night going back and forth with the decision that she's ready for another one."

Dan rambled on and Vanessa continued to only half listen to the array of things coming out of his mouth. Dan babbled almost as much as Jamie after a long day at the park.

"Don't worry Dan. She's not at home alone, she's with her father. I believe she's at your house."

She could tell Dan wasn't paying any attenation to half of the words that were coming out of her mouth, it was typical Dan of course. Whatever came out of his mouth next she knew wouldn't be very intelligent or smart, it would be some very Dan comment.

"Wait, did you just say she's at her father house and she's at my house? I hate to break it to you Vanessa but there's no way that Emmorie can be my daughter. I've never been unfaithful to Serena, and I've never had sex with you. That's one thing I'm pretty sure I know for certain."

With his sudden outburst she did her best not to burst out in hysterical laughter. She simply shook her head and played with the necklace around her neck deciding whether or not to play into his delusional game a little bit more.

"Oh come on Dan, we swore that we'd keep it a secret. Didn't you notice she has your eyes and nose?"

Adding on sarcastically she rolled her eyes and sat down in the chair across from him. She could see him trying to wrack his brain and go back in time. Sometimes he was so completely dense it was scary. Shouldn't the eyes comment have given it away? Dan most defiantly did not have bright blue eyes.

"Lighten up Daniel, I was just kidding. Emmorie is most defiantly not yours. I know I'm slightly over tired but I'm pretty sure I said she was at your house with her father. not that you were her father. maybe you have a little bit of wax in those ears that you need to have cleaned out Dan."

* * *

_"Chuck?"_

_She called cautiously as she knocked on the door of the bar and slowly pushed it open. Earlier in the evening a note had shown up at her apartment requesting her presence at his new bar, a bar that had just opened a week previous. Also, a bar that she knew had had a note on the door earlier in the week that it would be closed for the evening. She stepped into the dimly lit bar and the heels on her feet clicked on first encounter with the wood. The black cotton long sleeved jersey dress she had on was cut enough that she couldn't sit down without causing a scene. She knew very well what she was doing. Shoulder length spiral curls were straightened for the night and fell down her back, and her eyes were coated in dark seductive colors. Not that she needed any bit of the outfit for him, he'd want her regardless._

_"Wow, talk about heart attack inducing"_

_Vanessa's face turned up in a classic smirk as the lights around her suddenly dimmed more as she attempted to find the source of the voice without much luck. She knew he'd like what he saw, and by the sound of his voice she'd been very right._

_"Please don't tell me that's the way you dress when you meet up with Chuck."_

_Walking in back of her he wrapped his arms around her and kissed the back of her exposed shoulder. She leaned back into him right on contact. She'd waited all day to be in his arms, there wasn't any other place Vanessa actually liked to be. She had something on her mind tonight, something she was afraid but very ready to get off of her chest. Her mind had been on it for the past week and she was sure it would sound a little random but it had been on her mind for a while. It wasn't like they were seventeen anymore, it wasn't that out of the question._

_"Nah, every part of this outfit is for you."_

_With a smirk on her face she turned around in his arms to look at him as his hands slipped down a little further then where her waist was located. He'd bribed Chuck to give him the bar for the night, telling Chuck he was using it for something work related. What work related things there were for an investor and entrepreneur he wasn't really sure but he did know that Chuck and Blair always seemed to buy it. Nate was doing all he could to hold a grip on the thoughts he wanted to discuss with her rather than letting the way she was dressed get the best of him. Putting his hands back to his side for a moment he looked her over one more time and took a deep breath, he knew what he had in mind was for sure the right thing. Taking her hand he lead her over to the bar._

_"Ok, I have something to ask you. And I know that you might laugh at me but I just have to say it. I think I have to say it soon or the outfit you're wearing is going to get the best of me and we're going to end up on this floor before the first syllable is even out of my mouth."_

_She watched him as he shook slightly pouring the vodka into martini glasses, something was bothering him, and she knew it. Maybe it wasn't the best time for her to open her mouth and suggest what was on it. They'd have plenty of time for it she'd decided as she put the subject to the back of her mind and focused her eyes on him._

_"Ok, what's going on… spill it. I'm sure I can handle it, whatever it is."_

_She nodded her head unsure if she really wanted to know what was on his mind or not. Being as strong as she could muster up she reached across the table and lightly squeezed his wrist trying to let him know that whatever he had to say she was ready to hear._

_"Ok, here goes, and don't laugh at me. I'm completely serious about all of this. We're not seventeen anymore and I mean, I think it's more than time. Walking through the park yesterday and watching you push that little girl on the swing while the mother balanced the three other children she had, now that V, that's what I want. I want to watch you with our children. I, what I'm trying to say is… I want to have a baby with you Vanessa. I want you to have my baby."_

_Vanessa's eyes widened as she looked at him. The hand that had been holding the martini glass to her mouth to take a sip put the glass back down right away as her mouth fell open and she saw him start to hesitate. He was suddenly frozen, it was growing hotter in the room by the second he waited for her to say something. Opening his mouth he began to repeal what he'd said and force it off as a joke as a smile broke across her own face._

_"I was coming in here to ask you the same thing. I want to be a mother Nate, words I never thought I'd say but last night watching you with Tripp and Maureen's son, Nate I love watching your every expression as you held him and played with him making him laugh."_

* * *

"So, how'd Serena take it? Did she try to kill you for cheating on her best friend? I don't see any finger print bruises on your neck, I'm gonna take that as a good sign."

Vanessa smirked as she slid in back of him on the bed slipping her hands over his shoulders and pressing her lips to his neck. He dropped the photos that had been in his hand as he stayed still and let her attempt to persuade him out of what he'd been doing before. She'd been the one to get their daughter to sleep, rocking their little girl back and forth and singing 'you are my sunshine' a little bit off key. Emmie had been completely comfortable and content in her mother's arms as she'd fallen asleep.

Now it was adult time, something Vanessa and Nate suddenly didn't get much of anymore. Something that that didn't matter all too much when they had their little girl in their arms, watching her grow and get older every day, it was all worth it.

"what are you looking at anyways?"

She asked as she stopped kissing him and rested her chin on his shoulder peering over to see the photos in his hand. Photos of herself smiling back with Zoey climbing all over her made a slight smile come to her face. shifting off of her knees and sitting beside him she filtered through the rest of the pictures he'd already gone through. Photos of him kissing her pregnant stomach as Zoey rested on his head. The ways he'd carefully taken snap shots of the IV in her hand resting over the small bump in her stomach, Zoey 'nesting' in her favorite spot at the time.

Nate had taken dozen's of photos dozens of memories that he couldn't replace with anything. They'd both saved boxes, Vanessa's had rested at the back of her closet, Nate's under what had once been his and Blair's bed. They'd finally been able to put everything they'd collected together, together where it all belonged. Black and white shots were hung and displayed rather than thrown in a box and brushed away under a bed.

"Thinking about them again?"

Putting all of the pictures back in the box and taking the rest from her hand and putting them away also he put the box back on the side of the bed and pulled her backwards with him.

"I usually am, but more so, I was thinking about how amazing you are. Beautiful, tough, strong willed, and I love you. I don't know how I lived for the past ten years without you and I being just like this. I love you Vanessa, so much."

Rolling half on top of her he started to trail kisses along her neck. She decided against reminding him that for the past years they'd been doing the same thing. Maybe a little bit more complicated yes, but none the less they'd been almost the same for years. For once with no corrections or complaints they got completely lost in one another.

"I love you too, so much"

She whispered as she reached to shut the light over them off, there were hours before they'd be summoned to the babbling little girl laying in her crib attempting to talk to the mobile above her head that held the teddy bears on strings.

* * *


	5. Shock

Author's Note: so I completely respect your opinions to not like Vanessa but please, if you don't like her then please don't open my stories. There isn't going to be anything you like in them at all. Please, it's spring break for me but I've had a very bad weekends… a very bad past week. Between visiting my mom at the hospital and re watching tonight tonight's GG once it's on over and over I should be able to update some more this week. YOB is coming, it just needs a little more work. So enjoy and leave me your thoughts.

-This should be the chapter that starts to unconfuse past parts. also, included in here is my first time writing CB.... I think i'd much rather leave it to everyone else. lol and as you read you'll be able to tell that there isn't a single bit in present tense, it's all past (:

Xoxo

Manda

* * *

"Remind me again why you're in France right now rather than here with me making good on some promises. We were in the middle of some very important things when you up and left yesterday you know. I don't like waking up to a note saying you'll be gone for the next two weeks."

He listened to the light excitement that was laced in her voice but he was to jet lagged from the flight to attempt to decipher the reason behind the tone of her voice, regardless if it was nine in the morning for him. Nate was lounging on the back deck as everyone else was inside for breakfast. It was the first time he'd been able to sneak away without Blair sending him death glares. She'd begged and pleaded with him to be nice during the trip, to not let on how unhappy they were together. She said if he complied then she'd think about the divorce. The word think was enough to make him behave and hold her hand or be forced into a few kisses that he weakly requited with hesitation.

"Lucy and Lionel's fifth birthday, Roman and Harold are throwing a big celebration for them. Eleanor is here and everything. Which means of course she has my life threatened under lock and key, I hardly have a second out of her sight."

Though his excuses were lame they were true, Blair didn't let him out of her sight unless she was in the bathroom or something else to keep her completely occupied. She was being dressed up by Lucy, that's the reason Nate was out on the back deck. That's why he was getting the chance to check up on the one person he'd actually wanted to be with. It had been difficult to leave her, and, he knew that if he had told her he was leaving it would just have made it that much worse. So he'd just left, wrote her a note, kissed her forehead and took off.

"I miss you… hey; wait a second, why the hell are you up at three o'clock in the morning? Are you feeling any better then you did when I left you? I hate leaving you when you're as sick as you were."

She'd had the flu or something for the past seventy two hours. Every time he'd tried to get closer to her she'd yelled at him. Him getting sick meant Blair would likely mother him and force him to eat chicken soup and not leave. That wouldn't have done either of them any good, though, had Vanessa known about the impromptu vacation she might have tried harder to get him sick he'd figured.

"It's the first time I'm feeling ok enough to touch the phone. I passed out on Chuck so he took me to the hospital. They hooked me up to an iv and ran some tests. It turns out it's not the flu… it's not even something you could have caught."

With her voice light he panicked, he wasn't comprehending what she was saying and if she was really sick and in the hospital he didn't want to be in France. He'd come up with something to get away from Blair, even if it meant ruining her perfect 'family' gathering. What was the use of him being there anyways, it wasn't like he even wanted to be a part of the family anymore.

"Vanessa? The hospital? What's going on V, do I need to come there because, give me a few hours and I'll be right there at your side. All you have to do is say it and I promise I'll be there.

The only thing that suddenly made him feel a little bit more relaxed was the playful growl on the other end of the line, letting him know that Zoey somehow or other was there with Vanessa taking care of her. He should have known she would be one way or another. Vanessa had a habit of sneaking her wherever she went, no matter what the destination was.

"Yea, that's Zoey… Chuck snuck her into me sometime after they sedated me. I'm fine… I promise I'm fine. Well, we're fine I should say."

She was stalling, telling him that she and Zoey were fine. What did she mean he suddenly wondered had something happened to the two of them before they'd gotten to the hospital. He shouldn't have left the states, what was he thinking.

"Stop over thinking it Nate, I can tell what you're thinking. No, I didn't mean Zoey and I… Zoey was at home when I passed out. I mean we, we as in me and the little piece of you and I that my body thinks is just something I can throw up."

Talking fast without a breath Nate listened silently for a moment trying to figure out if his ears were deceiving him or not. They'd decided to try and get pregnant a year ago, it'd taken a year for things to even out and no he wasn't even with her when she got the results. After all the no good, negative tests they'd gotten back over the year she had to be pregnant when he wasn't around to celebrate with her. Now how was that one for luck, it was one twisted way they always seemed to work.

"Are we…"

He ventured unsure if he was hearing things right or if his ears were deceiving him as they always seemed to, maybe it was just more him hoping than anything else. Helping Lionel shoot hoops and watching Lucy dance around had just proved to him even more how ready he was to be a father. Little league, soccer practices, dance recitals, the all of it, but, only with Vanessa.

"Yea Nate, we are."

* * *

"You know Blair, I was fully expecting you to be coming in here to tell me you were pregnant or at least thinking about trying to get pregnant, not that you were here to be fitted for a new diaphragm. Thirty-two is a good age to consider it, you and your husband should think about it. I know it would make your mother so happy, it's been a few years now since she and Cyrus had their little girl hasn't it?"

Blair's OB blabbed on in her face to a very annoyed Blair. She'd needed something to do for the day since her husband hadn't exactly volunteered to take her to the Caribbean like she'd hinted around that she would have liked. Just because it had been years since they'd been romantically involved didn't mean they couldn't try again. Their marriage was far from over in her eyes, he just needed to learn the same thing also. She fixed her best annoyed smile and opened her mouth to reply with some smart assed comment when Melissa broke into a huge smile that wasn't for Blair. Blair glared at the wall in back of the older woman, people and their damn short term memory spans; they ought to all have been on meds for it.

"Vanessa, oh darling you look awful, still can't keep anything down? How about we get you settled and hooked up to an IV again. I'm glad you didn't attempt to sit in the ER again; maybe I finally got through that thick skull of yours. Hyperemesis Gravidarum is not something that's very easy to live with."

As if the name hadn't been enough to spark an interest the gag that came next made Blair scowl, hospitals were the dirtiest and rude places that Blair ever stepped into, that's why most of the time she did her best to stay as far away as she could. With her interest sparked Blair turned around only to be face to face with the one person she hadn't wanted it to be. Looking rough and worn in sweatpants and a long sleeve white shirt Blair felt like she'd one at least one game as she looked at the women now in front of her with the shoulder length corkscrew curls. Vanessa had always looked bad but nowhere near as bad as she looked this time. She swore she saw Vanessa pale even more then she already seemed to be. The fail brunette trued away from Blair and the doctor to gag once more as she turned back around Blair could see that the cloth that was in her hand was now spotted with blood. Maybe the Brooklyn imperfection had developed some type of ulcer from being a pain in the ass, that's what Blair had decided at least. Her opinions of the woman in front of her were due to her past history with both of the guys Blair considered to be hers and only hers. Blair didn't like to share.

"Last night I was ok, I ate almost a whole package of saltine crackers. Today I can hardly stand up on my own. All I did was attempt to take the prenatal vitamin, now there's blood from my throat again. I don't know how I'm going to do this, it's been only been eight weeks and I feel like it's been forever."

Vanessa's words were quick and she was doing everything she could not to look at Blair, that's at least what Blair's head was telling her. Competitive Blair that knew even if she and Nate weren't happy with one another she'd at least had him over Vanessa ever getting him. Her mind suddenly jumped quickly, she needed to make a show out of her marriage. It would be her fun for the day to make someone feel worse than she did. It wasn't like Vanessa would know that they weren't happy.

"Oh Melissa, is that what I told you over the phone? I'm sorry, my husband was in the room and I didn't want to get his hopes up. We've been talking more and more about having a baby and you know, I'm a little late and a little sick, I think we might have done it. I know he'll be so happy. We're more than ready to start our family."

As Blair gushed she watched Vanessa's face for any sort of reaction. The only sort of reaction she found was Vanessa turning around to gag once again. Maybe she'd actually learned how to get over Nate, too bad, Blair had been looking for someone to make more miserable then she felt. She was the one that was married, married and with a never ending bank account, not to mention limo sex still had a habit of creeping up on her in the form of a Bass at least once or twice a week.

"Can you imagine a little girl or boy with his brilliant blue eyes? Oh I'm sorry you've never seen my husband. Vanessa, wouldn't you agree that the child would be perfect? I'm sure he'll be an ok dad, I mean, we didn't really have the best parental figures growing up and we've never really been around children all that much. I mean, Mom and Cyrus's little Yale is two now. But life is about learning right? Worse comes to worse you put on Audrey and call it nap time."

Continuing on her eyes locked with Vanessa's eyes, she wasn't getting the reaction she'd been hoping for. There was too much lightness in her eyes, a strange underlying smile behind the worn-out expression. Blair couldn't read it exactly. She watched as Vanessa dropped one hand to her stomach and rubbed her stomach a little.

* * *

Blair was pacing back and forth in front of the window dressed in skimpy lingerie as she used hand gestures to convey her messages. It might have been three in the morning but Blair's vigorous attitude was still completely relentless. Every once in a while she turned to look at the naked man in her bed. Rather than the light and devilish light in her eyes she threw daggers through him.

"Blair, why don't you calm down and come back to bed. Don't let her get to you so bad. You're the one that's married to him she doesn't have any involvement with him anymore. She didn't get him or any part of this world. Let it die already Blair. Just give it a rest and let her be happy. She's having a kid, she's not trying to bother you. Just leave her alone already. Not that I understand why you have a problem with her in the first place."

If looks could have killed Chuck would have been a man on fire. Blair wasn't pleasant when she was being undermined or told not to do something. Chuck knew she'd get pissed off as always but Vanessa was his friend, she didn't deserve all the shit that Blair attempted to put her through. He'd done enough wrong by Vanessa. In the past three years they'd just been friends, no more sex sympathy buddies in the mixed of their titles.

"Then there's you, you good for nothing son of a bitch that comes here and hugs her like she's not a piece of trash. What's next? Are you going to tell me that you fathered the bastard child she's carrying? Cause let me tell you Chuck, that would be the icing on the cake. God, to think I just slept with you before making you take a shower first. Who knows what you're infected with."

With the last words that left her mouth Chuck was out of her bed and in back of her with his hands sliding up her sides to play with the bottom of her pink lacy bra as he kissed her neck and attempted to get her from her usual bossy self back to her moaning his name for a few more hours before she was needed to play perfect wife yet again in her sham of a marriage she only insisted upon for social standards.

"It's not mine Blair; you have nothing worry about with that one. She hasn't given it up in years now. I don't see why it would be such an issue anyway. It's not like you'll add to family blood lines anyway."

He menacingly slipped the straps to her bra down her shoulders leaving kisses as he went till she wiped around to face him straight in the face with her hands on her hips. Her eyes shown with a slight furry as she sighed and shook her head at him, it was his own fault. It seemed not to matter how many times she attempted to remind him it never got through his thick skull. Feeling her sudden fierceness come back she placed both hands on his bare chest and pushed him with force till he fell back onto the bed she'd once shared with Nate, a long time ago.

"Who's fault would that be? Who made an ass out of themselves at Nate's bachelor party Bass. My father and Roman came to me the next day thanking me that I was marrying Nate and not you. Listing our sexual history in a bar with my husband to be and all of his friends, not to mention my family the night before I planned to break the engagement was not the smartest idea. If anyone was smarter then that I would have thought you would have been. "

Scraping her perfectly manicured nails across his chest she kept her eyes locked hard in his gaze as she brought up the past. Memories that would never be erased from either of their minds, oh the things alcohol possessed people to do. Leaning her head down she bit his lip hard knowing there'd be effects from her domination on him, it seemed to always be one of the things that turned him on the most.

"Had you not accepted that engagement there would have been no need for a scene now would there have been?"

His own smirk crossed his face only to receive another biting kiss as he felt his thoughts start to confuse themselves and himself start to get a little to preoccupied in the region where Blair's hand suddenly lie.

* * *

"Ok, so you want me just to believe this all happened with immaculate conception. V, I'm your best friend why won't you just tell me who you slept with? Is it that bad? I mean who could it be? Chuck? I swear I won't judge."

Dan lectured as he started to put on his coat, Serena was waiting for him at home. His wife had made a special dinner and wanted him home for it. He'd already said his goodbyes to his best friend lying in bed with her feet up as her hands rested on the small bump in her stomach. Under doctor's orders Vanessa wasn't allowed to work, and hardly allowed to move. Her lips were sealed on the paternity of the baby, which frustrated Dan even more. He wasn't used to his best friend keeping secrets from him. It made her laugh as she watched him retreat to the door of the apartment.

"I'll see you tomorrow Dan."

It didn't matter if he had heard her or not, she knew he'd come anyway. He had every day since her panic attacks had started and it wasn't like it was going to stop any time soon. She swore that he was just trying to catch her and find out who she was hiding from him.

Vanessa laid her head back down and shut her eyes as the door to the apartment opened and shut again. This time she knew exactly who it was and she didn't even bother to open her eyes again to see for sure that it was him. She knew it was by every sound that he didn't make, he was quiet as he slipped through the apartment, quiet not to disturb her. She could hear Zoey's paw prints as she was let go from her leash and she raced around still like an outgoing puppy in search of Vanessa. She listened intently as the dog raced into the room and up onto the window. Vanessa knew her games, there wasn't any other way for the seven pound puppy to get onto the bed without clawing the sheets to be lifted up.

Zoey jumped from her place on window, walked along the dresser draws, and scampered onto the bed like the sometimes pretentious dog she was. With a quick lick to Vanessa's face as a 'hello' Zoey walked down a line along Vanessa's body to curl herself up in a ball on top of the slight bump in Vanessa's stomach.

"Zoey's nesting again"

His voice whispered from the doorway causing both herself and Zoey to look up at him. Zoey found him much less amusing as she laid her head back down on top of her paws. Since Vanessa's had swelled to accommodate the baby Zoey had taken a new favorite spot to lay.

"She's just trying to have some part in this whole baby thing from the beginning."

Shrugging she watched him watch the animal that was perched on her stomach watching over like a guard dog caring for very important gems. They'd certainly trained her very well. Most days lately Zoey didn't leave Vanessa's side even with a bribe of a treat which was unusual; usually she loved spending time with the both of them.

"Chicken dog's trying to take care of the egg"

Crinkling her eyebrows she looked up at him and tried not to laugh as he referenced an old storybook nursery rhyme. He was brushing up on being daddy, a job he was more than ready for. Just a few more weeks to go before they'd get to meet their first child, then she wouldn't have to be so afraid Blair would do something and Nate could finally put an end to it all.

Nate and Vanessa's eyes had been locked till a sudden movement had made her tear her gaze from his eyes and look down at her stomach. Zoey had noticed it too, she was up on all four paws just as suddenly, her right front paw trying to trace where she'd received the bump from. Zoey's ears were straight up as she lifted her head to look back and forth between Nate and Vanessa as if to ask where the sudden jolt had actually come from. Nate's eyes widened as he figured out what was going on suddenly, their baby was kicking for the very first time. The kicking was disturbing Zoey's peace. Another little jolt repeated its self under Zoey's paw and Zoey looked back down gently banging her paw against Vanessa's stomach.

"What's she doing in there Zo? She's using V as an amusement park and now she's making your seat tougher to relax in. what are you doing to do when she's trying to sit on top of you and pull your hair out by her little fist fulls?"

Sliding into the bed beside his girlfriend quietly not to disturb the dog from her new play game he pulled Vanessa to rest her head on his shoulder. They were both completely content and comfortable watching Zoey playing around with the baby's little kicks and movements. They had weeks still to revel in the feeling, all four of them had forever.

"This is the beginning of our life Nate, what do you say Zoey, can we keep it?"

She sat up enough to look down at the dog, it'd been a good day, with minimal sickness. It didn't matter how far along she was, they'd already warned her that morning sickness would continue the whole way through her pregnancy. She was ok with it, just knowing that their baby was just fine was all she needed. The little kicks that were coming from her stomach and resonating so that Zoey could feel were proof enough. In response to the question that Vanessa had asked of the little dog Zoey climbed her way up to both Nate and Vanessa's faces, licked them once and crawled back down to pat her little buddy's kicks some more.

* * *

"Vanessa, just let me go talk to her. This is it; she'll grant the divorce she doesn't have a choice in the matter. You and our little girl are the only things that mean anything to me. I'll be home in an hour tops, then we can lie in bed and look at her sonogram just like we did this morning. Don't forget the doctor said to stay off of your feet. The doctor said she wanted you to stay away from stress remember. Haven't you been at the office enough lately? By the end of this pregnancy they're gonna have your name on a door there."

Nate chided as he wrapped his arms around Vanessa's waist and kissed the side of her neck. She was worried, he could tell by just how tense she was. Whenever Blair was brought into their conversations she always seemed to clench with nerves. His hands found their way to her abdomen as they rested there, on top of what they'd created. Sometimes he forgot that they'd both planned to have the child together and it hadn't been just a forgotten protection mistake. The little bump made it all so real, so real made him a little afraid he'd screw up on them both. She already had an IV bruise on the back of her hand from constant IV injections. He blamed himself every time he saw the black, blue and purple mark on the backs of both of her hands.

"Nate can't we just wait on this? I mean, we were already warned to stay calm and go easy on the stress. Blair will just make it all worse, she's not going to let you go that easy. She lives for revenge Nate; do you really want her to make our lives a living hell?"

Putting the plastic spoon down on the side of the stove he let go of her so that she could turn around. The week had been pretty decent, being sick hadn't been its normally sever. She'd fought through it, shopping and getting things done anyway. Sixteen weeks pregnant felt like an accomplishment, they'd both felt that. As soon as he'd let go she walked a few feet away from him and crossed her arms as she stood on the other side of the kitchen leaning against the wall. Her hands were crossed over her stomach protectively as though she were protecting their daughter's ears from the same argument they went round and round having.

"This was a bad idea, I mean, your married to her. I shouldn't be pregnant with your baby. What were we thinking Nate? It doesn't matter if she had the affair first, we shouldn't have done this, none of this. Nate, none of this is going to be ok. I can't… I can't…"

Across the kitchen as fast as he could get to her he'd put his hands on her face with a sigh as she gasped trying to remember how to breath. They'd been doing this for the past twelve weeks out of sixteen weeks of pregnancy. Since the day she'd gotten the positive test they'd had the same argument, Vanessa's sureness that they'd done the wrong thing. Her panic attacks and anxiety attacks were becoming more and more frequent putting her and their daughter in more danger as the days went by. She'd get dizzy, her blood pressue would rise, it was all on top of the sever morning sickness. The first sixteen weeks had been a struggle alone, Nate couldn't even count how many times she'd been in the ER. Sleeping there weekends because she couldn't keep anything down for more than an hour.

"Vanessa , you're having a panic attack again. Look at me V… Look me in the eyes. You need to stop doing this and you need to calm down. This isn't good for you or the baby. Please Vanessa try to calm down. She can't take you doing this baby, she's not strong enough to take you doing this to her."

Nate attempted to sooth as he ran one hand up and down her arm and reached in back of her for her inhaler at the same time. At least it wasn't as bad as handing her yet another sedative to go to sleep like he'd done a week ago. She was afraid of Blair finding out, she wasn't the same old Vanessa she'd always been. Being afraid of what Blair would say or do or how Blair would react had never been anything that Vanessa had worried about till the baby came along.

It was like Nate had called the dog that suddenly ran from wherever she'd been resting in the small cluttered apartment that Vanessa had refused to move from. Zoey rushed in the room, one of the new pink receiving blankets being dragged in her mouth as she put her paws up on Vanessa's leg and attempted to tap and ask what was going on. When she wasn't picked up right away the white dog laid down on top of the pink blanket and let out whimpers and cries that caused Nate to turn his head for a mere second.

"I think I need to go lay down Nate, I need to go lay down or…"

Before Vanessa had even gotten a chance to finish her sentence she'd collapsed cold in his arms. If Nate hadn't been scared enough for hers and their daughter's well being before he could now suddenly feel his own heart racing as he held Vanessa's passed out body in his arms.

------------------------------------------


	6. Depression

Author's note: I'm just having fun updating today (: enjoy!

-manda

* * *

Nate didn't trust his legs to stand on anymore as he stood in the doorway of her bedroom. Her back was to him, yet, he could see every inch of her agony as if he were looking into her big beautiful hazel eyes. Her hazel eyes he knew would hold even more pain then he could see now. Just the thought of her pain made him sick, he wasn't even thinking about his own pain. They'd both lost something, regardless if she'd had more time to bond with it. He'd watch it slowly fill her and create the everlasting glow, a glow that had suddenly crashed and left her broken and empty.

"Vanessa?"

She hadn't spoken two words to him the last time he'd walked into the room. She'd just simply broken into another fit of broken sobs. She wanted her baby back, they'd tried so hard to keep everything ok and under control and it just hadn't been enough. No heartbeat, blood, pain, everything had amounted and there was nothing left. Now she could hardly breathe without bursting out in tears.

"Nate, don't"

His hand had been inches away from her arm when she'd put the halt on it. She didn't want to be touched; she hadn't even let him carry her into the apartment or up the stairs. Vanessa had pulled herself up every step with water dripping from her eyes. He couldn't get through to her or help her any, she didn't want him to. No matter how bad he was hurting also she didn't want him anywhere near her. The closest she'd allowed him to get was to place Zoey on the bed. Zoey who in the past two weeks had seemed to be deteriorating fast, she'd never showed the fact that she was over ten years old till the past few weeks.

When Nate had first placed Zoey onto the bed she'd let out her little cries, something both Nate and Vanessa hadn't understood. She'd climbed to Vanessa's stomach and patted her little paws on Vanessa's stomach for a few moments as though she was looking for her little play thing before climbing up closer and snuggling up close to the one that needed it the most. Zoey had always seemed to know Vanessa's pain better than anyone else.

"Come on V, don't push me away. Not right now, please don't do this."

With a weak voice his own eyes filled with the water he was doing everything he could to hold back, she didn't need any more pain and he knew that if he cried he'd just add to what she was feeling. He bit his lip and forced his tears back as he put his hands back into his pockets and took one step back away from the bed. His heart was in his throat as he looked at her, he blamed himself, blamed himself for how broken she was lying in front of him.

"Go home to your wife Nate. Go conceive a baby with her. Maybe she won't fail at it like I did. Please Nate, just go. Just leave me and Zoey and go. I had my chance with you Nate and I blew it. Our baby's gone Nate. Can we please just not fight right now? for Zoey's sake… Oh my god"

As Vanessa went to put her hand on Zoey for comfort, the dog had always been able to give her that. Even in the days after their breakup and after his wedding to Blair. Since she was eighteen the dog had been there to comfort her. Now, as she put her hand down on Zoey the feeling stunned her. The dog wasn't breathing.

* * *

As she rung out her hair in the tub then dried her hands on the towel wrapped around her, all she wanted to do was crawl back into the bed and cover her head with the blankets to fade back into her surroundings. He wasn't around for the day, she planned to burry herself in bed all day As she rung out her hair in the tub then dried her hands on the towel wrapped around her, all she wanted to do was crawl back into the bed and not move for as long as possible. Thoughts were building up in her head as she brushed a silent tear from her cheek and threw her drying frizz back in an elastic. She couldn't have cared any less what she looked like, it was just six days ago that she'd lost two of the things that had meant so much to her. It was something that not going to be shaken off all too easy.

She hadn't wanted to catch herself in the mirror, Vanessa knew that if she did it would just result in another breakdown. No matter how many times she was told that what happened wasn't directly her fault she wouldn't and couldn't believe it. She felt like it was her fault, she hadn't protected her baby the way she should have. Her eyes caught the mirror, caught her red eyed broken down reflection of herself. She hated every bit of the person in front of her, she felt the anger in her surge as she raised her fist and smashed it directly into the glass letting it glass shards shatter around her fist and fall to the ground. Maybe the kick boxing and self defense classes she'd participated in had paid off for something, to help exert physical pain on herself and let her mental pain be put on hold for a fraction of a second.

Legs gave out under her as she collapsed in a mess of sobs on top of all the glass and blood from the mirror and her hand. A week ago they'd been happy and ready for it all, she didn't want to be stuck in the position she was in. she wanted the light happy feelings back, the fluttering of the innocent little being under her skin.

Still on the floor with her head buried in her hands, a streak of blood running down her face and arm from her right hand she hadn't looked up when the door opened. She hadn't even looked up any when the clean scent of Channel No.5 filled her nose. She hadn't expected Anne to act the motherly and careful way she was acting around Vanessa. She'd expected Anne to be annoyed with her son, hurt that he'd even think about cheating on Blair, never mind conceive a child with someone as 'low class' as Vanessa.

What Vanessa didn't know was how Nate had brought her into the house, how broken and lost he'd been. How badly he'd been worried about Vanessa, not knowing if she'd ever be able to get past her pain, if they'd ever be ok again. Then there was everything he'd expressed to his mother, everything about how much of a failure he'd felt like. Not being able to protect Vanessa or their daughter, then there was the case of Zoey. Their invincible chicken dog that had done so much to keep them both together in her own way was gone now also. Nate was slowly cracking from his well put together demeanor. He'd needed his mother to reassure him that everything would be alright. That the young couple would be able to get past their sudden bouts of hard times and hard ships, it wasn't all lost and gone forever.

"Oh sweetheart"

It was the most mother like voice Vanessa had ever heard croon since she was little slicing her knees on the sidewalks after attempting to skate with Dan. The only thing was that voice had always come with Allison, never from her own mother. She felt Anne's arms suddenly around her in a giant hug trying to get her to stop crying and nearly hyperventilating.

"It hurts bad Vanessa, I know it does. The both of you are in so much pain right now and you don't know how to stop it. You feel like it's your fault, and no matter what anyone says it's not going to matter because you're dead set on believing you're the reason it's all happened. I know how you're feeling Vanessa. I've been there, I've been through it. It's going to take quite a while for you to feel remotely even a little bit better. The baby was a part of you, so was Zoey in her own unique little way. They are a part of you and they both always will be. Nate's feeling the same way Vanessa, he may not have carried your daughter under his heart for eighteen weeks, but, he watched you every week, every day while you grew and glowed more and more. He felt her kick with you, listened to her heart beat, he was just as connected with her as you were. He's trying to be as strong as he can for you but it's hard for him too. I remember how the captain took it all. Out drinking from eight in the morning to twelve at night, Nate's nothing like his father sweetheart. He's grieving silently, but, every time he looks at you. He knows just how worth it you are. It's because he loves you and the only thing he wants is to see you happy. He needs that smile back on your face sweetheart."

Anne had brushed Vanessa's tears away with her hand before she'd helped Vanessa up and over to sit on the side of the tub so that she could tend to her hand. Anne had made sure to clean out every shard of glass from her hand before cleaning it out with peroxide and patching it up with gauze. The last thing she needed was her son to come in the house to his girlfriend in more of a wreck then she had been when he'd left early in the morning.

"Nate's gone for the day, he was called for something or other. It's just you and me. I have a few things I'd like to show you."

Vanessa nodded her head slowly; she knew the real truth to where Nate was. It didn't bother her, Blair had more of a right to him then she did. That was the truth, there wasn't any way to sugar coat it. Besides, Vanessa knew she could use the time that he was gone to attempt to build herself up better then she'd been before. She didn't need to put him through hell anymore then she already was.

"Anne, he's out with Blair and her mother and their friends, I know that. It doesn't bother me much. That's the way our life is, he's not mine to put a hold on. He's married to Blair. I can't say I like that fact but that's the way it is. I love him Anne, I really do, I know the way I'm acting right now… I'm not exactly show…"

Quieting Vanessa again Anne pulled her son's girlfriend by the hand out of the bathroom and into the bedroom as she pointed to the clothes that were out on the bed. Nate had told Anne everything that made Vanessa most comfortable before he'd gone to sleep the night before. Talking about happier moments and things that made Vanessa happy made Nate feel better, it eased his pain. So Anne had pulled her son's sweat pants from his draw and a tee shirt he'd messily thrown on the floor before he'd left and put them on the bed just for Vanessa.

* * *

Clutching his hand on top of the table was her way of trying to show the outside world that there wasn't the slightest of problems. As if holding his hand and smiling would make up for the fact that it was the first time she'd seen him in nearly a week with no explanation. He had a far off look in his eyes and his hand kept clicking on the table as though he were waiting for a moments and seconds to pass till they were out of the restaurant. If kicking him wouldn't have turned into a public spectacle she might have done it. Frustration oozed from all of her pores at his behavior, how cryptic he was acting. It was the fourth time in ten minutes he'd clicked his cell phone to check the time she noticed and she was about to lean over and whisper something in his ear when Chuck interrupted thoughts instead.

"It seems like most of us are gathered here for some reason or another. If you two have some big announcement where's Punky Brewster? Shouldn't she and her tag along be here? I thought the morning sickness was better lately?"

Blair lightly sneered under her breath; she still didn't understand why they insisted on including Vanessa in everything they did. Regardless if she was Dan's friend or not, there was still a part of her that wasn't crazy about Cabbage Patch being a part of their lives. Chuck sitting beside her made it easy enough for Blair to reach out and dig her perfectly manicured nails into the inside of his thigh under the table. They both knew it wasn't because she knew where Vanessa was, only because she didn't feel like hearing the name brought up.

What everyone else at the table had missed was the look of pure agony on Nate's face when Vanessa was mentioned. With her was a place he'd rather have been, a place he needed to be. Not that he didn't know that his mother was taking care of her just fine, but he too needed just to be back with them, a friendly celebration wasn't something he was up for, how could he feel like celebrating anything when he and Vanessa had both just lost their baby.

"I um… I got a call from Ruby yesterday."

Dan started out and Nate's hands shook in frustration of not being able to admit their losses himself. He glared daggers at his hand interlocked with Blair's on the table just as she'd wanted it. Nate was full of resentment for everything around him or he never would have taken so much out in his thoughts on Blair. It wasn't like anything was exactly Blair's fault and there were parts of him that didn't blame her for everything. They'd made a quick jump decision getting married, on the East Side it wasn't all that easy to divorce without it being public knowledge.

"Vanessa, she lost the baby yesterday Chuck. We didn't think she'd really want to be a part of this all today. The last thing either of us wanted to do was cause her anymore pain. I hate the fact that she's not here today for all of this too. But, this news really isn't something she'd want to hear today."

Dan was rambling and Nate usually would have had patients but today just wasn't that day. Blair watched as Nate once again touched his phone to look at the time and she finally sighed and let go of his hand. She suddenly didn't care about playing pretend if she was the only one participating in the game. All they did was fight anymore and today he was especially bad, like he had a better place to be then surrounded by all of his friends. Sitting back in his chair he glanced at everyone around the table, Dan and Serena, Lily and Rufus, Eleanor and Cyrus, and Chuck. None of them were people he wanted to deal with.

"On to why we called you all here, Serena and I have an announcement to make. We waited a few weeks to make sure everything was ok and it was going to stay that way but, in six months or so…"

While Dan trailed off Nate looked at Serena trying to hide his own hurt with a fake congratulatory smile as he guessed what was going to come out of her mouth next. She was just as far along as Vanessa had been almost, a month apart and his niece or nephew would be born rather than his son or daughter. Reflexively Nate reached for his phone to check and see if Vanessa had tried to get in touch with him. It was a good thing Vanessa hadn't been there. Not with how much the news would have hurt her.


	7. Give this a thought

I know, how lame, it's just an author's note but! I just wanted to let you all know where my head was with this. This story is one that I came up with on the spur of the moment but always thought there was a little something more to it. So I was thinking (if you'd like to read it of course. I'd love your input) I think I'm going to re do this, take it slow and from the beginning, slower. So you all can see exactly what amounted to all of the infidelity that took place. So yea, I'm going to shut up now and you can tell me what you think of it. The whole thing would be a new story in its self. and please, don't think this means i've left any of my other ones behind because I haven't.

-Manda


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